I want a relationship like theirs. I want somebody to love me like Carl loves Ellie. I want somebody to hold me when I am feeling down. I want somebody to be with me till the very end and one day I want to make an adventure book. It all just sounds so perfect.
I never used to believe in all those ‘we used to talk everyday but now it’s like we don’t even know each other anymore’ shit. Well, until it happened to me. It is funny how things can change so quickly. I always thought of you as my best friend; somebody I didn’t want to let go off but you obviously never did. See that is the thing with me; I am always more invested in relationships that the other person. It is never reversal. Whether that be anybody. Friends, siblings, anyone at all.
I don’t know what I even did. Why are you acting like this? Why are you ignoring me? Acting like nothing ever happened? I didn’t think that our memories were so cheap? That they could be so easily forgotten? I thought they were memorable. All the jokes, fun, fights, I thought that you wouldn’t forget them. At least not so quickly at least. I really don’t blame you though; I am probably not good enough for you.
Your words today hurt me so much. So very much.
I miss us.
I like you so much. I shouldn’t like you but I do. Every time I look at you, I am automatically smiling and every time you look at me, I feel all tingly inside. Every time I pass your house, I look and think of where you must me now. Every time you speak nicely or flirt with someone, I can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever speak to me in that way. You are driving me crazy.
I still remember the day I first saw you. Six months ago. I was just walking around with my friends with a seven-eleven slurpie in my hand. I even remember the clothes you and I were wearing. I was wearing my purple top, black shorts with my favorite blue hair band and white toms. You on the other hand, were wearing a red football top with brown shorts and Nike shoes. Your hair looked messy but so god damn sexy. I thought that you would be nice but as time passed by, you ended up being so fucking rude and egoistic. You’ve hurt me so much with your words and I hate you for but I love you too. I don’t even make sense. God, I really am going insane.
It’s been like this for so long now. You probably think of me as the really awkward, loud girl but I think of you completely differently. I think of you all the time. Whenever I see you with all those other girls, it feels like somebody is throwing punches at my heart. I want to be the only girl with you and for you. I want your arm around me, not any of them. I dislike you and like you at the same fucking time. Fuck, I think I am bipolar. But even if you do end up liking me, I can’t do it to her. She likes you too. She’s been obsessing over you for so long now. She will hate me and I honestly will not be able to take that…
I love this.
My mind is
a reckless storm.
Come enter with
a way out.
Don’t get sucked into
the vortex that
are my thoughts.
Today was dad’s first proper birthday after the big accident. The day started off great and the family drive was amazing. But the minute I reached home, I broke down. Completely. Images from last year kept on flashing through my head. How me and mum ran to the hospital, how dad was in coma for over 18 days, how the doctors said that he was going to die. It’s scary how clearly I remember everything. I remember spending my Christmas and New Year’s crying in the hospital. I remember praying every night for it all to be a part of some horrible nightmare; for nothing to be real and for everything to be perfect the next morning. But the next morning never came.
I couldn’t hold the tears in. Pictures of him attached to the huge tubes appeared next and they just made me so damn sad. The tears kept on rolling down my cheek. All the times I stayed strong last year and stopped myself from crying, came pouring down. The accident has changed everything. My whole family went from being so happy and excited for Christmas to beyond depressed in a matter of a few seconds. A few fucking seconds. My whole family was a mess; everything was slowly falling apart. And I constantly kept blaming myself for it; did it happen because of me? Because I was such a pain in the ass?
I was the closest to daddy in the family. We used to have so many inside jokes, father-daughter days and just so much of fun. I miss it all so much. But looking back, I feel so selfish. I hardly went to the hospital to see him. My mum and sister thought it was because I didn’t care. Boy, were they wrong. I didn’t go there to see him often becauaue I couldn’t. I couldn’t see him like that. I couldn’t see him in so much pain. I just couldn’t. And I didn’t know what to do. I just felt so useless. I really regret it though.
It has been one whole year. He is gradually getting better but still there’s still a lot of improvement needed. Now it is eleven at night and I cannot help but wonder: why us? What did we do to deserve such a thing? Are we so bad people? Out of seven billion people, why my family? Life sucks.
I am aware that we are already two months into the 2014 but I thought that it would be best to start from the very beginning. So here I go…
Honestly 2013 was quite a roller coaster for me; there were times where I just wanted to end everything because nothing was falling into place and there were also times that were filled with enjoyment and fun. It was the year I met some very amazing people as well as some really horrible people and with my dad’s accident and stuff, it was probably the hardest year for me. The sad thing is that I expect so much to happen in this new year but deep down I know that probably none of it will happen. 2014, please prove me wrong.
Who am I you ask? Well, I am just another teenager that is finding it hard to cope with life. When I grow up, I want to be a travel journalist. I want to travel this whole wide world and take a look at every single corner that exists. I like the sound of laughter, the feeling of being fully alive, the taste of berries, rainy days, watching Disney movies, cuddling and any kind of music. Music is my life. One thing that I really, really want to experience in this lifetime is skydiving.
Well that’s enough about me; I decided to start this blog because I have always found it really hard to open up to people, to express my feelings. Talking is really not my thing and my life is really complicated right now. I am sick and tired of bundling up all of my thoughts inside of me. It’s killing me. Hence, I have decided to write. But if you want someone who will write to please you, you’re at the wrong place. If you want to read a blog about someone perfect who lives a perfect life, you’ve also come to the wrong place because I am nowhere near perfection. This blog will consist of my thoughts, concerns, rants and basically anything else that I feel the need to write about. So without further ado, welcome to my life.
mindlessrantss 